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DragonBall Z Abridged Movie: Cooler 2: The Return of Cooler's Revenge – The Reckoning/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to a spaceship flying in space with to GOKU, GOHAN, KRILLIN, MASTER ROSHI, and OOLONG inside. YAJIROBE is munching down on a riceball) GOHAN: So Dad, what's the first thing you wanna do when we get to Namek? Maybe go fishing? Camping? Anything that doesn't involve training? GOKU: I'm gonna be first in line to try some old-fashioned Namekian cooking! GOHAN: I don't see that happening. GOKU: Not with that attitude! KRILLIN: I'm looking forward to a relaxing vacation! This will be the first time that I've been on Namek where I haven't been beaten up...or stabbed...or exploded. MASTER ROSHI: I'm looking to get with some sexy Namekian ladies! KRILLIN: I... don't see that happening. MASTER ROSHI: Not with that attitude! YAJIROBE: I'm just looking forward to getting some time away from Korin. KRILLIN: Are you two fighting? Because I notice a distinct lack of cat hair on you. YAJIROBE: Yum! (continues shoveling down on his food) GOKU: Hey, Piccolo! What's you favorite Namekian dish? (cut to Piccolo in the other room isolated from the others) GOHAN: Dad, I hate to break it to you, but Namekians don't eat. GOKU: That's weird. They're weird. NAIL: (telepathically) ''So, haven't been home in a while, eh Kami? '''KAMI:' (telepathically) ''About 500 years, give or take. '''PICCOLO:' Eh, you're not missing much. KAMI: (telepathically) ''Oh, please. Unlike you, I remember the halcyon days of our planet. Beautiful blue landscapes, a thriving culture. Our beautiful kinship with our Albino brothers. '''NAIL & PICCOLO:' Oooooh... KAMI: (telepathically) What? (shows the spaceship approaching New Namek) OOLONG: Uh, guys? Can a planet get cancer? KRILLIN: That's a weird question. Why do you-- (sees a giant grayish piece of matter on New Namek outside the window) Whoa, wow! MASTER ROSHI: If it needs some inspectin', I'm your man! I've done my share of mammograms in my day, if you catch my drift! OOLONG: When I do them, they're called hammograms. YAJIROBE: That'll do, pig. GOKU: Oh, boy. Someone should probably go tell Piccolo. PICCOLO: (appears behind Goku) Someone should go tell Piccolo WhaAAAAAH... (sees the grayish piece of matter on New Namek as the ship enters the atmosphere) ("Team Four Star presents" text appears on the screen and then shows "Cooler 2: The Return of Cooler's Revenge – The Reckoning") (Cut to New Namek with a bunch of Namekians are handcuffed and walking in a line. Two Cycloids are heard beeping.) KEEL: (thinking) That's it. Enough of this. (destroys his handcuffs) Time to f*ck some face! (starts charging at a Clycloid) CYCLOID: Beep. (grabs Keel by the face) KEEL: Oh no, my face! (the Clycloid tosses him to the ground) MOURI: No, please! He's but a boy! He knows not what he does! CYCLOID: Beep. (prepares to attack Keel) MOURI: You're so cruel... CYCLOID: Beep. (The Cycloid fires a blast, but Gohan appears and deflects it to the ground. Goku and Krillin appear when the smoke clears.) GOKU: I don't want to have to solve this with violence, but I also really wanna punch you. (more CYCLOIDS appear) And your friends. CYCLOID: Beep. KRILLIN: (off-screen) That one's askin' for it! GOKU: What are you even doing on New Namek? CYCLOID: Beep. GOKU: A what? Well, I think we have one on the ship, but the sodas aren't cold yet. META COOLER: (off-screen) I believe they're referring to me. (appears in front of the CYCLOIDS, who all proceed to start beeping in applause) META COOLER: Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. (one Cycloid beeps again) And you're just brown-nosing. GOKU: So, you return once again, Freezer. GOHAN: (off-screen) Cooler. GOKU: Cooler. META COOLER: Yes. I have returned, dumbass. GOKU: Goku. META COOLER: Dumbass. With the help of the Big Gete Star. (Krillin laughs off-screen) Thanks to it, I have been reborn with this new dynamic, metal form. With it, we have entrapped this planet. And now... we are going to f*ck it. Both figuratively... (cut to scenario of Big Gete Star drilling into New Namek; cut back to present) META COOLER: (slowly) And... very literally. KRILLIN: ...You know, just because it can't reject you, doesn't imply consent. META COOLER: Now, what say you? PICCOLO: Freeza did it. META COOLER: Excuse you? KRILLIN: The robot thing. Freeza did it. When he came back to Earth. META COOLER: But that's not the same, I-- PICCOLO: After he took over Namek, like you are now. META COOLER: Wait... He destroyed Namek! GOHAN: Well, this is New Namek. META COOLER: So it's completely different! PICCOLO: Yeah, about as different as you are from Freeza. KRILLIN: (off-screen) Shots fired! META COOLER: Kill the bald one. (the Cycloids starts charging at the Z-Fighters) CYCLOID: Beep. KRILLIN: Freeza did it. (One Cycloid punches Krillin into a plateau. Another Cycloid tries attacking Gohan, but Gohan evades the attack.) CYCLOID: Beep. GOHAN: Eep! PICCOLO: (fighting three Cycloids at once) Stop being a bunch of pansies! (cut over to Yajirobe, Oolong, and Master Roshi) OOLONG: I'm gonna die on an alien planet! Dammit, I'm becoming Krillin! YAJIROBE: Calm your tits, scrabo-breath. Master Roshi's got this one. MASTER ROSHI: (standing in front of an army of Cycloids) I have many things... A best friend who's a turtle, an island... Chlamydia... This... is not one of 'em. YAJIROBE: Oh... Well then what are we-- (shows the Cycloids dragging off Master Roshi, Yajirobe, and Oolong after capturing them) OOLONG: Hey, Master Roshi! What if you try giving 'em the clap, you jackass?! (cut to Goku attempting to attack Meta Cooler with Kaio-ken, but it has no effect and Meta Cooler retaliates by kneeing Goku in the face and punches him) GOKU: So, I keep punching you, but you ain't budgin'. META COOLER: That would be my new metal body. GOKU: Which you got from the Spaghetti Star, right? META COOLER: ...Not dignifying that. Look, why don't you just turn Super Saiyan? Then we can get serious. GOKU: But I don't wanna end the fight yet--we just started. I mean, why don't you use that little mask thing? META COOLER: Good question, but I've got a better one, though. What's that thing on your face? GOKU: What's what thing on my-- META COOLER: MAH FIST! (punches Goku in the face) GOKU: All right, fine! I'll go Super Saiyan. But I'm doing this for me. (transforms into a Super Saiyan) (cut to Piccolo attacking a Cycloid and fails to make even a dent) CYCLOID: Beep. PICCOLO: F*ck! (thinking while removing his cape and turban) Dammit, I gotta find a way to break these things. NAIL: (Have you tried hitting them harder?) PICCOLO: That sounds like something Goku would say. KAMI: (Yes... And remember that time you've never beaten him?) PICCOLO: RAAAGH! (drives his fist straight through a Cycloid) (thinking) Huh... It worked. (cut back to Goku vs. Meta Cooler) GOKU: HIYAH! (hits Meta Cooler really hard and sever his right arm) Hey, it worked! (Meta Cooler regenerates his right arm) Wow, the Big Ghetto Star ain't no one's fool. META COOLER: That's right, monkey. With the power of the Big Gete Star, I can recover from any injury, no matter how intense. But enough about me, let's kill you! (punches Goku in the stomach and begins to choke him) (cut back to the others) CYCLOID: Beep. (knocks Gohan to the ground and then smacks him away, who then struggles to get up) KRILLIN: My God! (lands on Gohan and they both get up, back-to-back) Any ideas? GOHAN: Well, our opponents are mechanical... CYCLOID: Beep. GOHAN: ...which means they'll have structural weak points we can exploit. Likely their joint areas. I suggest-- (Piccolo lands beside him) Huh? PICCOLO: I figured it out. We just need to hit them really, really hard. GOHAN: ...That sounds like something my dad would say. PICCOLO: Right! (starts attacking the Cycloid with Gohan following suit) KRILLIN: I've prepared my whole life for this.. It's KRILLER TI-- (Cycloid elbows him in the face) It's never gonna be a thing... (falls to the ground) PICCOLO: (off-screen) Just use your friggin Kienzan, Christ! (Meanwhile, Cooler is still choking Goku) META COOLER: My God, you take an eternity to choke. GOKU: Is that...all you...got? META COOLER: As a matter of fact... (sends a wave of power through his arm and chokes Goku harder) GOKU: Ah! Regret! Regret! (Vegeta comes out of nowhere and kicks Cooler in the face, causing him to release Goku) GOKU: (kinda raspy) ''Oh hey, Vegeta. When and how did you get here? '''VEGETA:' Apologies, but if anyone's going to kill Kakarrot... (transforms into a Super Saiyan) ...it's me. GOKU: You're not even that good at it. VEGETA: Shut your hole, Kakarrot. Anyway, We meet at last... Cooler. META COOLER: Yes, we do... y-you...? VEGETA: Wait, do you not know who I am? META COOLER: Should I? VEGETA: I am Vegeta, Prince of all Saiyans! (continues speaking as Meta Cooler looks around in a bored expression) Last of my royal blood, bringer of death, destroyer of worlds, and wrecker of your shit. META COOLER: Saiyan? Forgive me, I was under the impression there was only one of you. VEGETA: Oh, trust me. There is ONLY one of ME. META COOLER: Then my eyes must deceive me, because I believe I see TWO dead monkeys. (Vegeta charges forward, but gets sent flying away by Meta Cooler. After one second, Vegeta once again charges forward, but gets thrown back again. Not one to admit defeat, Vegeta proceeds to charge again, only to get sent flying again. Vegeta comes back and charges again before shifting over to Piccolo ripping apart the Cycloids one by one, who all beep as they explode) GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo! (is being carried off by four Cycloids) PICCOLO: I'm coming! KRILLIN: Phrasing! I mean, help! (is also being carried off by four Cycloids) PICCOLO: (a Cycloid grabs him in the arm) Nice try, but you're not just gonna pull me away like-- (a Cycloid sticks its gatling gun in his face) Huh? (the Cycloid proceeds to open fire on his face) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Dicks! Dicks! NAIL: (They're just bullets, they're hardly even...) (several Cycloids form arm cannons) (Oh, cool. Cannons! Those'll hurt.) PICCOLO: (under siege) They dooooo! (cut back to Vegeta once again getting knocked back by Meta Cooler) META COOLER: He's quite persistent. GOKU: You have no idea. (Vegeta charges forward and gets knocked back) He's actually a really nice guy after you get to know him. META COOLER: I doubt that. (Vegeta charges forward again) VEGETA: Son of a bitch, I got you this ti-- (attempts to kick Meta Cooler only for him to crush his leg) AAAAAAHHHH! (Meta Cooler mutes him by grabbing his mouth) META COOLER: You want to know what death tastes like? (Vegeta's lets out muffled screams as Meta Cooler prepares a blast) GOKU: Hi-yah! (kicks Meta Cooler off Vegeta) VEGETA: (growls) Would you just-- (Meta Cooler disappears) What!? Where did you-- GOKU: (pins Meta Cooler down behind Vegeta) Don't worry! Saved you again, best buddy! VEGETA: That's it! Killin' you both! BIG BANG ATTACK! (Vegeta fires a blast at both Goku and Meta Cooler, but they vanish before the blast can connect. In the smoke, Meta Cooler appears and kicks Vegeta in his 'DragonBalls', which causes him to squeal in pain in slow motion before Meta Cooler punches him in Goku's direction) GOKU: Huh? (catches Vegeta) Aww, he's all tuckered out. (cut back to Piccolo as the Cycloids have finished firing cannons at him) PICCOLO: All right, you get that out of your system? CYCLOID: Beep. PICCOLO: Okay, just wanted to make sure. CYCLOID: Beep. PICCOLO: Okay, good. (fires a explosive wave that destroys all of the Cycloids, who beep as they go down) (thinking) All right, better go save Gohan. KAMI: (What about the others?) PICCOLO: (thinking) What ABOUT the others? (flies towards the Big Gete Star) (cut to Gohan, Krillin, Master Roshi, Yajirobe, Oolong and the Namekian prisoners inside the Big Gete Star) D.V.E.D.: Hello, meatbags! Let me be the first to congratulate you on your selection to have your life juices power the Big Gete Star! I hope the amenities are to your liking! YAJIROBE: They're not! D.V.E.D.: Then good news! You won't be staying long! YAJIROBE: You're damn right! (punches D.V.E.D., which has no effect) D.V.E.D.: Splendid! A volunteer! (grabs Yajirobe's arm) Quick, everyone! To the de-organer! (starts dragging Yajirobe away as Gohan, Krillin, Master Roshi, Oolong try to pull him away) (cut to Meta Cooler advancing towards Vegeta and Goku) VEGETA: He keeps kicking me in the dick. Why? Why does he keep kicking me in the dick? GOKU: Wait, I think I might have a way to beat him... VEGETA: If you say hit him really hard. I swear to God, I will kick YOU in the dick! GOKU: I guess we could hit him...really hard. (Vegeta growls) Together? VEGETA: ...Whatever. (Goku and Vegeta charge at Meta Cooler full force and ram into him simultaneously, severing the upper part of Meta Cooler's body) GOKU: Hey, Vegeta! What works? Teamwor-- VEGETA: Finish him off, you gibbering oaf! (Goku and Vegeta simultaneously fires a blast at Meta Cooler, which finally destroys him. Goku and Vegeta fall to the ground and revert to their normal state while catching their breath) GOKU: See? We can do anything by working with each other. VEGETA: Just shut the f**k up, Kakarrot. GOKU: Hey...we beat him, right? VEGETA: Yeah, he turned into smoke. GOKU: Then who's that guy? (reveals Meta Cooler on top of a cliff) META COOLER: Hello, buddy! GOKU: Oh, right. The Serengeti Star. (shows a TON of Meta Coolers on the cliff) META COOLERS: That's right. I am Legion. For we are-- VEGETA: A pain in my ass. (the Meta Coolers descend from the cliff to attack Goku and Vegeta) GOKU: Well, Vegeta, you take the five hundred on the right, I'll take the five hundred on the left. VEGETA: Screw you, I'll take five hundred and one! GOKU: That's the spirit! (screams and goes Super Saiyan) VEGETA: (screams and also goes Super Saiyan) (cut to Goku and Vegeta captured and covered in wires) GOKU: Wow. I can't believe every single one of them kicked you in the dick... VEGETA: (whines in a high-pitched voice) GOKU: So, where are the heck are we, anyway? COOLER: You are inside...of me. GOKU: *gasps* Vegeta! He shrank us! COOLER: (his face is shown to be connected with the BIG GETE STAR) What? No. No! I'm part of the Big Gete Star! GOKU: Oh, you're a head. Well, that's neat. Probably don't punch as hard as you used to, though. COOLER: I'm sure you're dying to know the story. GOKU: I'm really not interested-- COOLER: You see... (cut to outer space, showing the remains of Cooler's head rolling around when a small chip lands on it) COOLER: What the fu-- (cut to present) COOLER: And that's how it happened. And now, with the help of your energy, we shall have everything we need to fuel the Big Gete Star, as well as rebuild myself even better than before. BIG GETE STAR: Beep. COOLER: Shut up, baby, I know it. (Vegeta and Goku scream as their energy gets drained) BIG GETE STAR: Beep. COOLER: Oh, yes. To the last drop. (Goku and Vegeta are shown completely drained) Ah, delicious. Now, to dispose of the the two-- (Goku and Vegeta grab on to the wires and send more of their energy to the Big Gete Star) What?! Impossible! You were bone-dry! BIG GETE STAR: Beep. (the Big Gete Star begins detonating) COOLER: I know, but I can't stop them! Where are the mes? Send in the mes! BIG GETE STAR: Beep. COOLER: What do you mean, I'm exploding! (cut to outside of BIG GETE STAR, showing several META COOLERS exploding; cut back to inside) COOLER: Ahh, f-- BIG GETE STAR: Beep. COOLER: --mes! (cut to YAJIROBE, about to be cut into two) YAJIROBE: No, please! You can't kill me! There's someone at home that I love! D.V.E.D.: Beautiful. What's her name? YAJIROBE: H-h-he's a cat named Korin! D.V.E.D.: I am no one to judge. But I do decide your fate. Kill him (starts malfunctioning) slow... slow... slow... slow.... (in a deep voice) Drop the bass. (explodes) GOHAN: Everyone, follow me! (leads everyone out of the room and into an incoming crew of Meta Coolers) Aw, crapbaskets. KRILLIN: I AM NOT DYING HERE AGAIN! (All the Meta Coolers blow up and Piccolo appears from the smoke) PICCOLO: Come with me if you want to live. GOHAN: Eh, wrong sci-fi, but it'll do. (cut back to Cooler) COOLER: How? It literally doesn't make any sense! It took everything you had to defeat a single me, yet you had enough power to overload the Big Gete Star?! How?! How did you do this?! GOKU: It looks like you underestimated our power. Just like... COOLER: DON'T YOU DA-- GOKU: ...you did on Earth. COOLER: Oh. Fair enou-- VEGETA: And just like Freeza. (Cooler begins screaming and grows a body and Goku proceeds to transform into a Super Saiyan and starts charging an energy blast, but Cooler punches him and grabs him with wires) COOLER: Did Freeza ever do THIS?! GOKU: Beginning to feel like you have something against your brother. COOLER: Die... (starts squeezing Goku with the wires, causing him to scream) DIE! (screams as his arm gets sliced by a blast shot from Vegeta) VEGETA: That...was for...my dick... ahh... (collapses) GOKU: (breaks free of the wires and prepares a blast) Time to put you...ON ICE! (throws the blast at Cooler's chest) COOLER: ...Really? (sighs, then explodes, showing his remaining organic skin rolling around in the dust) (cut to outer space, with the BIG GETE STAR about to burst) BIG GETE STAR: Beep. (explodes) KRILLIN: '''Huh. Well, Goku's dead again. Any of you guys got DragonBalls? '''GOHAN: Wait, look! (sees Goku and Vegeta falling from the sky) KRILLIN: Wait, is that Vegeta? (Goku and Gohan laugh like little insanos until Goku crash-lands on the ground which produces an enormous explosion) GOKU: Thanks for bringing those Senzus, Bean Daddy! YAJIROBE: It's what I do. GOKU: You know, I learned something today. In the end, when all is said and done, Freezer was Cooler. And Cooler was Freezer. GOHAN: ...So, now that it's over, we should probably go find Dende. KRILLIN: Yeah, where is Little Green? He's the one who invited us to vacation here in the first place. MOURI: Oh wait, you thought... But he... Oh, my. I think you may have misinterpreted his message. (cut to Mr. Popo and Dende on The Lookout back on Earth) DENDE: WHERE THE F**K IS EVERYONE?! ("Monkey Vs. Robot" by James Kochalka Superstar starts playing as the ending credits play) STINGER (shows a spacepod in space with Vegeta inside and holding a small microchip) BIG GETE STAR: Beep. (Vegeta promptly crushes the microchip) VEGETA: Flawless victory.